Self-esteem and assertion: Foundations of your life!
Everyone wants to be respected, right?
How about starting with ourselves?
Here’s a 7-point recipe for self-respect!
1. Nobody's perfect
Every human being has weaknesses, flaws, lacks, and imperfections. No one will ever be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and fails. You can't loathe or punish yourself for that. If we do our best, that’s all that matters. If our best does not meet expectations, there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. We must not feel inadequate, but rather proud for having done our best, and welcome the results, whatever they may be. Others fare better? Good for them. In other fields, we might do better than them, and maybe not, and that's not what matters. The only thing that counts is doing one’s best and to never compare ourselves to others.
2. Not guilty, responsible!
There is absolutely nothing constructive about guilt.
Holding ouselves responsible, now that's constructive!
We need to fully assume the consequences of our actions. We must repair any harm we may have caused. We must understand why we did what we did (misktake, weekness, trigger, etc.) so that we can prevent falling into the same trap.
A person who respects themselves invites others to assume responsibility for for any harm they may have caused us.
If our requests are not heeded, the response cannot be forced. We cannot either have recourse to revenge because violence can do nothing other than create more violence. It is only by wishing good things for the person that we will help them to better themselves. Hating does no good because without realizing it, people end up becoming exactly like what, or who, they hate. We must simply never buy into negativity.
On our side, we will need to “ventilate” our frustration, anger, sadness, deception some other way. The best ways include expressing our feelings to a person who is able to take them in without trying to change them. If we do not have such a pearl in our surroundings, we must then express ourselves in other ways: by writing a letter or a journal, by going in the woods alone (not too far, please!) and crying all the tears we have and screaming our sadness and our hurt. These things make a whole lot of good. They lighten our load and help us to slowly reach serenity. We must then take this experience and channel it in something positive for society, e.g. prevention, raising awarenee, healing, etc.
Becoming responsible also means not complaining, brooding, or blaming others. So we avoid “victimitis” and we fully assume our own life. We take ownership our life. If we criticize, we must suggest a solution.
To you who are parents: Disciplining involves reinforcing positive behaviours by dispensing a pleasant advantage, a privilege, and discouraging undesirable behaviours by the taking away of a privilege or the dispensing of a constructive element, like, for example, a household chore. Discipline must never involve violence. We must also understand that our children do not belong to us: they are masters of their own destinies, and our job is to support them in their own "becoming", not to project our own dreams and aspirations on them.
Holding ouselves responsible, now that's constructive!
We need to fully assume the consequences of our actions. We must repair any harm we may have caused. We must understand why we did what we did (misktake, weekness, trigger, etc.) so that we can prevent falling into the same trap.
A person who respects themselves invites others to assume responsibility for for any harm they may have caused us.
If our requests are not heeded, the response cannot be forced. We cannot either have recourse to revenge because violence can do nothing other than create more violence. It is only by wishing good things for the person that we will help them to better themselves. Hating does no good because without realizing it, people end up becoming exactly like what, or who, they hate. We must simply never buy into negativity.
On our side, we will need to “ventilate” our frustration, anger, sadness, deception some other way. The best ways include expressing our feelings to a person who is able to take them in without trying to change them. If we do not have such a pearl in our surroundings, we must then express ourselves in other ways: by writing a letter or a journal, by going in the woods alone (not too far, please!) and crying all the tears we have and screaming our sadness and our hurt. These things make a whole lot of good. They lighten our load and help us to slowly reach serenity. We must then take this experience and channel it in something positive for society, e.g. prevention, raising awarenee, healing, etc.
Becoming responsible also means not complaining, brooding, or blaming others. So we avoid “victimitis” and we fully assume our own life. We take ownership our life. If we criticize, we must suggest a solution.
To you who are parents: Disciplining involves reinforcing positive behaviours by dispensing a pleasant advantage, a privilege, and discouraging undesirable behaviours by the taking away of a privilege or the dispensing of a constructive element, like, for example, a household chore. Discipline must never involve violence. We must also understand that our children do not belong to us: they are masters of their own destinies, and our job is to support them in their own "becoming", not to project our own dreams and aspirations on them.
3. Identifying your needs
We must acknowledge and satisfy our needs on all levels.
First, there's those "buddies" of ours, our bodies. They need:
Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, seeds, water, and as little as possible transformed goods, fast food, sweets and salty products;
At least twenty minutes of walking at least three times a week;
Warm outerwear for winter;
Eight hours sleep;
Contact with nature;
Good hygiene;
And for a healthy sexuality, you must remember tha no one has the right to force or pressure you to have any kind of sexual contact. That's sexual abuse. You must also know the conditions for your consent to be legally valid, including the age of the partners. See educaloi.qc.ca/en/capsules/age-of-consent-to-sexual-activities/.
And of course if you take in substances that reduce your self-control, like alcohol and drugs, you'll have more difficulty asserting yourself. See www.educalcool.qc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Alcohol-and-sex.pdf, and https://encadrementcannabis.gouv.qc.ca/en/loi/.
Yes, self-control is possible. It is a skill that is acquired through training. Self-control can also be useful if and when you decide to experience exlusivity with only one partner.
First, there's those "buddies" of ours, our bodies. They need:
Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, seeds, water, and as little as possible transformed goods, fast food, sweets and salty products;
At least twenty minutes of walking at least three times a week;
Warm outerwear for winter;
Eight hours sleep;
Contact with nature;
Good hygiene;
And for a healthy sexuality, you must remember tha no one has the right to force or pressure you to have any kind of sexual contact. That's sexual abuse. You must also know the conditions for your consent to be legally valid, including the age of the partners. See educaloi.qc.ca/en/capsules/age-of-consent-to-sexual-activities/.
And of course if you take in substances that reduce your self-control, like alcohol and drugs, you'll have more difficulty asserting yourself. See www.educalcool.qc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Alcohol-and-sex.pdf, and https://encadrementcannabis.gouv.qc.ca/en/loi/.
Yes, self-control is possible. It is a skill that is acquired through training. Self-control can also be useful if and when you decide to experience exlusivity with only one partner.
Your social life: your real-life contacts!
- Are the people in our life truly interested in our person: our well-being, feelings, opinions, projects, dreams and aspirations?
- Are we truly interested in the persons we spend time with?
- Are we well rooted, through direct physical presence, in our local community?
- Do we feel useful for society? Do we feel like we bring a constructive contribution?
The little hamster than rolls around in our head
- Do we have intellectually stimulating activities like reading, films, outings, conferences, debates, mini trips and excursions?
- Do we try to develop our opinions on current events and different subjects?
- Are we always trying to learn something new?
- Do we have periods of rest, silence, leisure and holidays?
Your emotions, they exist!
We all need to identify and express our feelings through emotions: crying, laughing, screaming, writing, singing, dancing, drawing. We need to be listened to, to have our emotions heard by another. We don't want to be told that we shouldn't feel the way we do or that we should feel some other way. We just want the other person to acknowledge how we feel and let us express it freely, and take all the time we need to do it.
Conclusion on needs
Your needs, you must acckowledge them and follow suite! Don't wait on others. There are plenty that you can take car of yourself. This makes you autonomous and non-dependent. The needs that only others can fill, you have to communicate them.
4. Identifying your limits
Identifyung our limits is a never-ending thing!
Just because magazines and movies say you should do this or that, if you don't feel like doing that, nobody should force you to do it against your will. When we respect ourselves, we don't do what we don't want to do. It's not selfish to simply respect oneself. In personal relations, if people require that we go against ourselves to please them, and we give in, we will end up hating ourselves and them as well.
You are tired and people make unreasonable demands on you when you are in that state? You say no, you explain why, even if they are angry and/or mean consequently.
Many have recourse to artificial means to be able to go over their personal limits so as not to displease people, or to impress them. Artificial means can include large amounts of coffee or energy drinks. Then, there are drugs, where "soft" drugs can often lead to "hard" ones. Any means that allows us to overstep our limits involves a heavy price to pay. They may give us the impression that we are extending our limits, but in fact, we do exceed them, only the price to pay is delayed and also amplified (e.g. drugs and alcohol exacerbate predispositions for violence; drugs can lead to mental illness, etc.). One must as much as possible never go over one’s limits, only when an emergency requires it, or on an exceptional basis. Emergency cannot become the norm, the systematic or prolonged way of doing things.
Surpassing oneself is something else. It means seeking to better oneself, to correct flaws, increasing one’s capabilities, but always within the limits of healthy functionality.
A person who respects themselves will also seek to acknowledge and respects the limits of others. We can't push, or pull, on others. Everyone has their own pace. We can't force them to change, e.g. using blackmail, trade-offs, scare tactics, harassment, obligations or ultimatums. People must be welcomed as they are. We can propose things to them, but the only person we actually have any power over is ourselves.
Just because magazines and movies say you should do this or that, if you don't feel like doing that, nobody should force you to do it against your will. When we respect ourselves, we don't do what we don't want to do. It's not selfish to simply respect oneself. In personal relations, if people require that we go against ourselves to please them, and we give in, we will end up hating ourselves and them as well.
You are tired and people make unreasonable demands on you when you are in that state? You say no, you explain why, even if they are angry and/or mean consequently.
Many have recourse to artificial means to be able to go over their personal limits so as not to displease people, or to impress them. Artificial means can include large amounts of coffee or energy drinks. Then, there are drugs, where "soft" drugs can often lead to "hard" ones. Any means that allows us to overstep our limits involves a heavy price to pay. They may give us the impression that we are extending our limits, but in fact, we do exceed them, only the price to pay is delayed and also amplified (e.g. drugs and alcohol exacerbate predispositions for violence; drugs can lead to mental illness, etc.). One must as much as possible never go over one’s limits, only when an emergency requires it, or on an exceptional basis. Emergency cannot become the norm, the systematic or prolonged way of doing things.
Surpassing oneself is something else. It means seeking to better oneself, to correct flaws, increasing one’s capabilities, but always within the limits of healthy functionality.
A person who respects themselves will also seek to acknowledge and respects the limits of others. We can't push, or pull, on others. Everyone has their own pace. We can't force them to change, e.g. using blackmail, trade-offs, scare tactics, harassment, obligations or ultimatums. People must be welcomed as they are. We can propose things to them, but the only person we actually have any power over is ourselves.
IF YOU MUST DEFEND YOURSELF :
If you must defend yourself against an assailant who is attacking you physically, you must:
- seek to put this person in a state where they are incapable to inflict harm; you must never seek to end their life (which can still happen accidentally);
- seek shelter;
- alert the authorities and let them take over.
You must never do yourself justice or do so for others, or "teach someone a good lesson". Keep in mind that violence can only beget violence, even if it is not your intention to contribute to the cycle of violence.
If you must defend yourself against an assailant who is attacking you physically, you must:
- seek to put this person in a state where they are incapable to inflict harm; you must never seek to end their life (which can still happen accidentally);
- seek shelter;
- alert the authorities and let them take over.
You must never do yourself justice or do so for others, or "teach someone a good lesson". Keep in mind that violence can only beget violence, even if it is not your intention to contribute to the cycle of violence.
5. I'm unique, wow!
The only person who can be us, is us. There never was a human being like us in the entire history of humanity, and there never will be again. We are beautiful when we are fully ourselves, fully assumed. Valuing one’s uniqueness means never seeking to be “like” someone else in an attempt to hide what makes us unique because we are ashamed of it. The only person who can be that other person is that other person. (Of course, we can have role models that we look up to and that we try to emulate for the good qualities they have.)
A person who respects themselves will also value the uniqueness of others. They don't expect others to enter into a prefabricated mold or in the "pigeon-holes" of their expectations.
A person who respects themselves will also value the uniqueness of others. They don't expect others to enter into a prefabricated mold or in the "pigeon-holes" of their expectations.
6. I choose ME!
It's good to want to please others, but never at the expense of pleasing ourselves. Your top motivation for everything you do must first come from inside of you, your yearnings, what you want. If your aspirations displease others, that must not stop you. If we stop ourselves form acting, out of simple fear of displeasing, we are not ourselves, we're not living our own lives. We live for others. Yes, we must think about the consequences of our actions on others, Bu the expectations of others can't become our point of reference for doing what we want. A classic example: parents who imposes and project their dreams and aspirations on their children. The child learns to do what the parent expects of them, to please them, and later on in life, they learn to recognize and honour what they themselves truly desire. We must absolutely follow through on our "true self".
7. The art of dialogue
The goal of dialogue is to try to understand the point of view of the other, and to explain ours. It's absolutely pointless to attempt to communicate in a context other than open, calm and serene dialogue. If each is trying to be right and prove the other one wrong, there never will be any dialogue. If we are negative towards the other, if we try to devalue them by calling them names, we don't respect the other will in no way feel inclined to respect us. So no communication without dialogue, promise?!
The Big Conclusion
We must all be our own best friend, our own lawyer, even our own parent! There is a lot of autonomy, self-control, assertiveness, empathy and responsibility to develop over time. All this comes with self-esteem, assertiveness and self-respect. And naturally, we will show all this to others as a result! We all have great personal power. We just need to flex that “muscle”! And remember, everything comes down to attitude. Is the glass of water half-full or half-empty? You decide!
P.S. And if you think you are a "bad person"
And if you think you are a “bad person” because you do “bad things”, know that the first reason that people act like “bad people” is that someone, somewhere made them feel as such and they bought into this idea as true, and antisocial behaviour became a habit. Once you will have realized this, you will be able to begin to change, slowly, one small step at a time, with numerous inevitable fails (go get help, call 811). Also, we can act like a “bad person” for any one of the following reasons: a) it’s all that we’ve learned from adults; b) we have an undiagnosed cognitive condition and are unknowingly attempting to self-medicate more or less successfully (consult a doctor); c) we feel desperate and want to save our skin (survival mode); d) someone forced us to do these “bad actions”. People are not “bad”, and we must help them realize this and believe it, despite anything they may have done, or failed to do. After that, they will slowly start to repair the harm they caused, fully assume responsibility for their actions, but in all compassion for themselves, and even with pride for acting like the good person they always wanted to be. But you must sever all ties with the people who keep you in the “bad person mode”, with no contact in any way, shape or form, i.e. a complete and instant cut-off (brutal). Freeing oneself from such a circus is no small feet, but go get help, lots of help. Do not try to do this alone, as the goal of oppressors is to keep you isolated to better control you. Flee far, very far.